Categories: Phil reports
      Date: Jan 27, 2009
     Title: Match Report

Bambi Benitez, SPARKS' elusive and indeed somewhat reclusive team manager faced hostile questioning from reporters following SPARKS Seconds disappointing defeat.

In rather halting English, Bambi tried to justify his rotation policy and decision to bench Simon ‘Networker' Lewis, the always popular and charismatic stalwart of the side... ‘Rotation he eez like man who sow seed and scatter...sometime eet fall on stony ground...sometimes crop he flourish...sometime he late develop. Jim ‘ Five Bellies' Barry - I know he no fit but he say that drinking binge days eez over and soon he be able to last five games...I ‘ ope...he late develop.'

‘And Cyclops? ‘ ‘Well he pale shadow of former self I know and he on ground that is stony at the moment...but I ‘ope he can come back after injury.......I teenk so'

‘ But Boothy? ‘ interjected Cyril Perv, The Sun's chief Sports writert, ‘ poor kit selection, baggy shorts, attendances down...look around....no young gallery groupies. Used to turn up specially to see ‘ Spray on Boothy' or ‘Ballroom Boothy' as they called him. That's what's wrong with the team today...that's what we need more of....tighter shorts, tanned muscular sinews...to get the dollies back'.

‘Boothy,' responded Bambi, ‘ he ..'ow you say...a legend in his own lunchtime... in his own lunchbox....' ‘ Give me strength, ‘ Cyril exclaimed, ‘ It's life time , Bamnbi...legend in his own lifetime... !' ‘Why we have to have these semi literate Johnny foreigners as managers.... come over here from some god forsaken Portuguese hilltop village, can hardly speak the language, start living in New Eltham...is completely beyond me..' he continued , muttering to himself....

‘Anyway, ‘ Bambi continued, undeterred by this outburst, ‘ he...'ave night off...no..I mean ... off night .....shorts split in training...had to borrow Girth's..on plenty big side..but ‘e will be back...'

And was the hostile reception justified ? Well...SPARKS had been two up, but as our beloved chairman Vin the Print had warned at that early stage...' It's ok but two swallows don't make a summer..' ...'As the bishop said to the actress........', we both roared out in unison...tears streaming down our cheeks...how we laughed !

And yet our prescient chairman was again right. Rich as always had proved to be a comfortable winner..'Broad shoulders, phil' , he'd confided afterwards, ‘ have to carry this shower week after week...does me head in'...and your back as well, presumably Rich ?

And Girth? The Mighty Man of the Mountains, The Iron Man from the Veldt, proved yet again that there's no substitute for class - tonking a younger ‘Matt Salter' look a like into total submission 3-1.

But what of the other ragged remnants ? Five Bellies ? Living to fight another day - as he said : ‘One down, got back to one all then knackered....thought I'd done enough really and decided to save meself for next week'...If there is a next week for you, Jim...better get back onto that treadmill of life and start working out, methinks.

Boothy ? ..well complete disaster 1Two up and then what ? ‘ Oppo found his length and line, phil,' he admitted afterwards, ‘made it difficult...he got better and I...I ...got worse'. Well, poor play really and no real justification, I thought - when your oppo's on the ropes you gotta take him...no killer instinct..that's what's wrong with the yoof of today...

But, with the match poised at two all, surely there's only one man that SPARKS supporters want to see on court...and that's....CYCLOPS ! But Cyclops , to the dismay of the assembled hordes, failed dismally to live up to the occasion...his play characterised by a lack of vision, foresight, focus and no eye for the ball....

The After Party

So, match lost 2-3 and the After Party was inevitably subdued.....a time to reflect.....to ponder on what may...nay should have been. But warmed by Nan's hearty fare, talk soon turned to the impending visit of La Rochelle Squash Team, captained by Monsieur ‘Piece de Cheveux Wiggy Dean...the Canary Wharf Squash Classic in March, Palace's chances in the FA Cup and booming sales of Prince Squash Rackets through SPARKS association with the iconic Peter Nicols.The evening descending intio mirth at the memory of Bambi Benitez's description of Boothy as ‘ a legend in his own lunchbox' !

How we laughed...tears flowing ...nay cascading down our cheeks as another grand evening at SPARKS came to a close !

Phil