Categories: Phil reports
      Date: Mar 13, 2009
     Title: Second Team Report

‘Busy day mate, down to have a good laugh at the Seconds? ‘enquired our beloved and revered Squash Chairman, in the clubhouse Tues eve. ‘You know Vin, ‘I replied, ‘if it wasn't such an overused expression amongst Investment Banking circles within a stones throw of Paternoster I'd be tempted...nay sorely tempted to say ‘Manic' ! or even ‘Really Manic' ! Clients..Tenants...who needs them.?... can't live with them...can't live without them...' ‘Yep,' replied VtP, ‘just like HIDs - have to show them who's boss, phil...need to assert yourself...show them who's in contr...' At this point VtP had to break off to answer his mobile and the transformation from male chauvinist to unassuming devoted sweet talking dutiful husband was a joy to behold...a thing of beauty even......

‘Sorry, mate...can't stay ...got to pick up HID from Yoga...', he continued at last. ‘But Vin, ‘ I remarked, ‘remember....you're in control...the boss...' .....How we laughed ! Tears rolling down our cheeks as our now totally discomforted but still revered and beloved Chairman exited in haste from the Green Oasis on his errand of mercy....... Even John ‘Premier Service' our gregarious and witty barman managed to crack his face which he doesn't usually do unless :1.The beer's run out2.The beer's about to run out3.Steve's told him of an impending price increase.

So, all well in the clubhouse and onto see how the Seconds aka The AlsoRans were faring. Trig aka Cyclops up in the gallery overlooking the Brian Booth court - ‘Played already, phil.....won the first...without goggles...so put me goggles on for the second...lost that...and the one after that...and the next......should have taken them off really I s'pose.......' At times like these one realises really that there's no point in carrying on these sort of conversations with Cyclops, so shaking my head wearily and in disbelief at such a Trig response I looked down , from my vantage point, to where both Boothy and AC, both journeyman type of players, were plying their trade. Boothy looking good...AC struggling but whoever I watched I seemed to have an adverse effect on their performance...'That's how it is mate', said Cyclops, reading my thoughts, ‘ when you turn up the whole team freezes...they wonder what you're going to put in the report...what snide little remark there'll be...better off you going off to Court 3...playing with yourself for a bit...you're just a distraction...' Giving Cyclops the benefit of the doubt and presuming that he'd actually meant to say ‘playing by yourself ‘ I retired instead to the bar, saw a bit of Liverpool trashing some quaint foreign underdog, and ventured into the crisp night air to partake of a Hamlet.....

Feeling rather like Olli aka The Stalker, I later sidled unobtrusively up the stairs to the squash gallery...saw Boothy lose 3-2 in a fine stirring display against a well honed opponent - no disgrace there, boy played good. Turning my attention to AC, but ensuring that I was well concealed, saw that he was cracking the ball around against an oppo who was truly an aesthetic assault on and affront to the eyes (or eye in the case of Cyclops) but who covered the court amazingly well for one who was so ill attired.

Who's on next ? , I wondered, as Boothy departed to shower.... later only to bemoan the lack of deodorant..... s'pose he thinks the club should provide this as well as hot water ?, I thought ........and spying a cross between Marshmallow Man and Pudsey, realised that our Iron Man of the Veldt had returned from his sojourn to the land where a few of the Free are free and all others aren't......Yep, ‘twas the Mighty Girth ! a Legend whose touch belied his bulk........losing the first game as usual. I turned to Cyclops- who loyally was still there - ‘ ASS', I said, indicating Girth, ‘truly ASS'.... ‘Well, phil, he's not playing well but no need to call him names....' ‘No, Cyclops, I patiently explained ‘...ASS...Attention Seeking Syndrome...always does it...loses the first then roars mightily back...a real team player...guts and determination.....doesn't know the meaning of the word defeat....'

So, with SPARKS Seconds two down, AC struggling in a tight fought game, a determined and gutsy performance by Girth was certainly required. Could Girth deliver? Had South African wine and antelope steak taken it's toll? C'mon Girth, you can do it for the club...surely? But sadly, No, Yes, No were the answers as Girth rather feebly lost 3-0.

Meanwhile great excitement as AC had fought back to 2-2, ill attired oppo tiring but still covering the court well, AC drawing on reserves of energy he never knew he had, leading 8-7 (or 8-4 according to our One Eyed Marker...yep it was he....Cyclops..... who apologised for his (in) advertent slip) but the damage both physically and mentally had been done to ill clad oppo and AC ran out a worthy winner 3-2. MoM material definitely ...and no higher accolade can be handed out than that, surely !

SPARKS 3-1 down and only pride to play for. Peter, against a somewhat supercilious dabber and wristy oik, overawed in the 1st but recovering well, after some well chosen words imparted by yours truly, to crush his oppo and dampen his somewhat smug and superior persona by fine court play and drops as his tired and now not so supercilious oppo weakened. 3-0 and a fine victory for our young rising star to gain precious points for the Also Rans who ran out defeated by 3-2 in an enthralling and intriguing encounter of the highest standard -apart from Girth and Cyclops for whom there is definite room for improvement if they are to continue playing this Extreme Sport at such a high level.......

The After Party

Despite the team's defeat spirits were high as talk centred on the upcoming Red Nose Day Squash Fun tournies - to be played with balloons attached to rackets - and the generous prepurchase of wads of raffle tickets by Boothy, GingerNuts , Dimly and No Show-living up to his name once more - as they were washing their hair or whatever ,being some similar non reason to be excused from the Fun on Friday evening.....

News that the Firsts had won 3-2 with GingerNuts amazingly winning his match caused a sharp intake of breath, and the mood saddened at the realisation that there was only one Team match left in the season... ‘But on the bright side, chaps, ‘ remarked Boothy, ‘ that means there'll only be one more Match Report...so it's not all bad...in fact quite good really...' .....How we laughed at Boothy's witty comment...... tears rolling down our cheeks !

And then, transmitted over the airwaves on the Club's new palatial plazma tv screen, we heard the immortal words of our Squash Team Manager- Rafa bambi Benitez - giving a post match report. A hush fell over the Club as all settled down to catch his words of wisdom...... ‘I teenk.... Yes.......we play well.....the AlsoRan team she lose.....but Boothy , he good boy, good team player.....he play with a*rse on sleeve'........ and in answer to Ron Perv's(SunSport) comment about how lean and fit he was looking these days.... ‘Bit of exercise with the hot chicks eh bambi, you sly old dog', he remarked...........bambi replied, ‘ I ave bike...I paddle to work now from my ‘ouse in New Eeltham...ees good ...forty five minutes ..everyone say ‘ow feet I am...and ‘ow I save money ... ‘bambi', they say, ‘You feet for nothing....'

And so the evening ended, tears running, nay cascading down our cheeks, at the thought of bambi paddling to work with his a*rse on his elbow...as I made my way to ‘Joes R Us' cab service to place my life at the mercy of some unshaven nicotine stained East European chancer with dodgy SatNav - in the distance the by now rhythmic chant of ‘Bambi, Bambi, there's only one Bambi Benitez !' resounding from the rafters of the clubhouse as the Team got stuck into a few litres of Asahis and showed their appreciation in time honoured manner to our beloved and bemused Team Manager ! A great evening and just one more to go- Support your team, support your manager, support your club- be there next Tuesday to cheer on the boys !

Phil 09.03.12