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But, this actually happened on Tuesday when our beloved Squash Chairman and I popped our heads into the clubhouse late evening after an enjoyable little session of pleas chat at the Main Committee Meeting ! Really , we felt sorry for the First Team who couldn't attend our little soiree- but they must have heard the ripples, nay guffaws of laughter as we wittily worked our way through the agenda. A sample for your amusement- we were discussing tokens for floodlights and changing the timing system so that the time slots were shorter and therefore less expensive than currently. ‘ In the current credit crunch, ‘I opined, ‘ any saving is useful- even if, in this case......(wait for it, this'll crease you up...) it is perhaps only a token gesture'. How we laughed !! Tears streaming down our cheeks !

In the clubhouse, Andy was holding forth- presumably unaware that his somewhat critical and savage summary of the evening's match would be given a fair hearing and reported to the SPARKS membership, ever eager to hear snippets of how the DemiGods had performed.....

‘So Ginger Nuts goes on', Andy was in full flow by now, ‘...you notice how he always wants to force the pace, wham bam thank you ma'am approach, quite successful at first but his Oppo got wise...played down the wall and soon GN (as we call him) was forced to play at Oppo's pace ...well, he doesn't like that does old GN...not one bit....those slow high shots mid court, where the ball seemingly is suspended in mid air ...crying out to be dealt with by a killer backhand slice to the front rights...look, Phil- like this...'and as Andy demonstrated how to play the shot he suddenly crumpled, white faced, back on his stool.....‘Bl***dy Groin, Phil...shouldn't have done that, went before, really, really gone now'.‘Here Andy, I'll stroke it, ‘ said our beloved and concerned Squash Chairman, ‘Not appropriate VTP', I had to remind him rather sharply, ‘Not appropriate - Time is the greatest Healer....'

‘ So, with GingerNuts losing....' I prompted Andy... ‘Not losing..... lost, phil', said Andy ‘and badly.... ‘ ‘How did you fare with your injury?' I continued . ‘ Well', replied the always modest and unassuming DemiGod, ‘got to play on phil really, through the pain barrier....thought of the team...the supporters..the ones left at home....struggle mind, it was a struggle ....' ‘And ?', I enquired. ‘Lost in six ,'said JJ interrupting.... Six? I thought, only best of five .....but as JJ was DemiSkipGod, you don't question him and I smiled and nodded obsequiously.

‘So, two down - JJ - presumably you won ?' ‘You presume correctly young man,' said JJ in his rather PG Wodehouseish drawl, ‘as always, you can count on the skip. There a fag anywhere to get me a pint ?. FAAAAAG ‘ As if in answer to JJ's roar I espied Olli on the edge of the crowd jumping up and down trying to engage my attention..

But Olli just wanted to tell me about his game, not being on fagging duty that night. ‘Well Olli', I asked of one of the nicest and most pleas DemiGods around the club circuit ‘How did you fare?' ‘ Won phil',he beamed from ear to ear, ‘did me bit for the team....won...Olli won again !.....olli won again...!....Geroff you bounder JJ...can't you leave a chap alone for a minute? ...get your own pint....'

‘Well, two all - must have been quite a climax...and with Billy to come..sensational!What you need really when in a crisis, the cool collected head and attitude of an experienced coach- even if it was only Tennis' I continued chatting to Andy. ‘Yep but, same things apply', said Andy, ‘nerves of steel, able to make the instant ..instinctive..but finely judged decision..'

‘Yep - Cometh the Man cometh the moment', said VTP, slightly confused and excited by it all.

‘So, Billy on court', says Andy, ‘all to play for...cool heads required , see saw battle and ..you'll never believe it phil, you'll never believe it.....' ‘Why, what's he do, Tell us Andy , tell us', I pleaded leaning eagerly forward..... ‘Well, says Andy, ‘he only'..... and pausing for dramatic effect, .....‘he only....throws a temper tantrum and breaks his racket..... repeatedly smashing it against the wall ...‘Oh dear', I venture, ‘presumably lost that point then... ‘And the game, his set and the overall match...' ‘.This why he isn't here at the AfterParty ? ,'I enquired...‘Quite possibly, phil', the Demi Gods chorused in unison...... ‘quite possibly.........'

So, Firsts lose 2-3 but cheered up no end by news of SPARKS ALSORANS- aka the Seconds who won 4-1, a somewhat toothless performance from Super Molar Man compensated by victorious cameos from Rich and Boothy in superquick time, a typical erratic if not errant display from the Networker who regained focus just in time to win and as usual Girth fiddled about but won in the 5th !(Attention Seeker or What ?)

And so, leaving the Revellers revelling, VTP and I headed home in good spirits and as we passed the club office both couldn't help chuckling at the good fun we'd had at the Main Committee meeting .... ‘Token gesture, phil.....oh dear oh dear.....', said VTP and ,with tears streaming down our cheeks and turning instantaneously into stalagtites we made our way Hidwards and homewards after what we both agreed had been ever such an enjoyable evening !

Phil 07.01.09