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See the French report at sitesquash.com.

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Unbelievable.....or rather Incroyable ! I thought as I approached SPARKS......gone was the Union Jack, as in its place, fluttering in the chill breeze from the flagpole overlooking the tennis courts was the Tricoleur .......Entering the clubhouse I spied John....or rather someone resembling John ‘Premier Service', our genial gregarious and sociable mine host behind the bar ..or rather ‘Le Bar de l'Oasis Vert' according to the new notice above...resplendent in waxed moustache, rakishly slanted beret and figure hugging nautical blue and white horizontal striped tee shirt and tight new Levis..... both showing off his well tanned physique...

‘I know', he said, ‘it's Vin..or rather Monsieur Le President as he calls isself now, came in and made all these changes...said that it was L'on tent cordial or summat...kept muttering about La Rochelle and some squash team... ‘Way forward', he'd said, ‘club's gonna be twinned....' Before I know what's happened he orders all this gear...chucks me rollups away, books me tanning sessions....gives me these Gauloises..and says I gotta refer to everyone as MonSewer ..Mamsell....and say Bonjour and Bonsoir'

Incroyable ! truly incroyable ! I thought, but ...in the immortal words of Simon Networker Lewis ... ‘Ne Panic Pas !', phil...have a pint and try to work out how to comprehend and then redress what our beloved and revered squash chairman in some sort of rush of gallic fervour had done...

‘Pint of bitter then John', I requested ........ ‘ Can't mate....and it's Jean....anyway ..only poxy french lager...and it's in small glasses..and you got to pay in euros.....though as it's one to one Vin the Print...sorry Vansent Le Print says we can still take pounds.....'

‘And a packet of crisps anyway', I added, ‘Brie ett wagnon.....Naturelle....or avec Sel......', replied Jean, reading from La Carte .....

Good grief, I thought, choosing brie et oignon, and looking round to see what else had changed....The Sparks logo on the clubshirts on display...two crossed baguettes replacing the crossed rackets..... the squash booking folder with days of the week renamed Lundi, Mardi and so on....the Squash Rules prominently displayed ......Scoring .... ‘ Le premier a neuf points est le gagneur.....' the changing rooms ...the Gents now renamed Messieurs and the Ladies - La Grande V..... and then the tennis players outside.......thought there was something funny when I passed the courts...the scoring...trente a trente.... quarante a trente......

But it wasn't difficult to work out what had caused this Gallic overdose to our beloved and revered......albeit somewhat easily impressed..... Squash Chairman......

SPARKS had hosted the La Rochelle Squash Team over Friday and Saturday at the end of January, who similarly had been our hosts in April 2007. This was really a first in the history of SPARKS and La Rochelle skippered by the multi lingual and talented Monsieur Ian Wiggy Dean had pitched up in numbers, being the first ever team from across the channel to visit the Green Oasis. Anxious to sample the best cuisine that the Raj Moni and The Crown had to offer, to imbibe Shepherd Neame's finest ales and importantly ..though naturally less so as they were French anyway, ..to do battle on the courts and try to revenge their drubbing of April 2007...the occasion, fondly remembered by SPARKS, when The Onion Sellers of La Rochelle were well and truly vanquished .... or so we had recorded it at the time..

La Rochelle's team, managed by Bob Le President and containing such characters as Man Mountain Yannick affectionately referred to as The Buddha, Bob's son Daniel ranked 27 in France - tres bon he was !.... - two expats called in to boost the team from London ...were going to be a severe test for SPARKS. However, unusually, members of the Firsts and Seconds team had responded to the call..... and even more amazingly actually turned up...so SPARKS were able to field a number of their finest Prima Donnas ..... .or Demi Gods to be more mythologically correct .....

The preparations had been intense -banner made and proudly displayed over the bar ‘Bienvenuing l'Equipe la Rochelle' to SPARKS. Essential catch phrases had been circulated including ‘bon coup' - good shot- ‘bien joue' - well played...'aimes - tu la banderole?' -do you like the banner ? and swiftly deteriorating into such gems as ‘tu sens l'ail'- your breath smells of garlic, ‘as ton tour' - your round.... ‘as -tu une soeur ?' - do you have a sister ...and ‘l'addition' -here's the bill ! Club shirts had been chosen - tshirts, polos and sweat shirts all with the club logo had been amassed to be proudly presented to La Rochelle as mementos of their visit.Starting off in hushed respectful silence the atmosphere soon changed aspolite inhibitions were lost and cries of ‘Allez SPARKS !' and ‘Allez LaRochelle' soon rebounded from the rafters !..... Demi Gods on first - The Rock God, Ginger Nuts, Ollie, Round Robin all falling at the first hurdle and giving La Rochelle cause for early jubilation, backslapping and heightened froggie chat !

So with the game unevenly poised at 0-4 and with SPARKS non playing skip Ben bambi Newark, in a tense huddle with our beloved and revered Squash Chairman VtP and senior team members, tactics were at last agreed and it was make or break time as SPARKS' part time fireman and decorator was called up for active duty on the Brian Booth Court to play against Monsieur Ian 'Wiggy' Dean, the La Rochelle Capitaine.
' This is the big one Bobby', explained Bambi, ' the pride of England, SPARKS, The Green Oasis, is at stake........you can be the hero.......you know you can do it. What would phil our iconic scribe have said if he was here ? I know.......he'd have told a motivational story about the little engine faced with the seemingly insurmountable hill, pulling the heavy carriages.... As it went on the little engine kept bravely puffing faster and faster, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." As it neared the top of the incline, which had so discouraged the larger engines, it went more slowly. However, it still kept saying, "I--think--I--can, I--think--I--can." It reached the top by drawing on reserves of courage and then went on down the other side, congratulating itself by saying, "I thought I could, I thought I could....I KNEW I COULD !."
.......and he'd tell you you could do the same......'.... 'Yep but phil always talked a load of cr*p ,' replied Bobby....' tell you what though.......I'll give it my best shot...

'The first game though did not go anywhere near to plan...0-1, creamed by a fist clenching Wiggy responding to the exhortations of his gleeful Gallic supporters to ‘Allez Wiggy !'......Again bambi motivational chat was called for.... ' It's ok bambi,'explained Bobby, 'think I've got him.....lured him into a false sense of security and complacency...time to up the tempo.' .....And such was the case, the over confident Wiggy, smiling smugly to himself and acknowledging the cheers of Les Francais suddenly found himself level at 1-1 and then 1-2 down !‘Serieuse', commented Bob, the previously imperturbable but by now obviously worried Onion Sellers President..... the heat on court was intense....the Frogs' flames of expectation doused by fine and determined play by SPARKS' new hero with both SPARKS and La Rochelle rising as one to acclaim Le Pompier the winner by 3 -1!
With photos taken of Le Pompier making the Loser sign at Wiggy and holding aloft the bottle of fine vin awarded by La Rochelle, Le Pompier's cup overfloweth and SPARKS were now in the mood to make La Mere of all comebacks !

‘Ok', said bambi, ‘Demigods lost but Bobby won......and won good......won for SPARKS ! Let's go, you Also Rans, and give them a real good run for their euro !'

'Yep, We'll fight them in the air, we'll fight them in the water, we'll fight them on the beaches, we'll fight them from the cliffs, we'll never, never surrender....', interrupted VinThe Print our beloved and revered Squash Chairman in stentorian Churchillian tones, characteristically going somewhat over the top as usual !

So, 1-4 down, but in swift succession, Girth, DemiGodSkip Justin, and Rich brought it back to 4-4 in a pulsating display of cultured squash by SPARKS finest. And then our beloved and revered Squash Chairman Vin the Print took SPARKS into a lead for the first time and it was left to the last match on court..... to do the right thing and let La Rochelle have an honourable tie ?......or in true SPARKS tradition to repel the boarders and send them back to Frogland with their tails between their jambes !

All eyes were on bambi......would he instruct Simon ‘Networker' Lewis to do the honourable thing .......surely Yes.....but......No ! ....the signal came....bambi nodded.....once......and The Networker realised that the gloves were off.......he could go all out.......Victory deemed to be more important than L'Entente Cordiale !....1-1...1-2...2-2......things a bit closer than the skip actually really wanted......but then with his opponent tiring Simon took it with a fine display of accurately judged boasts and drops in the fifth !

Match to SPARKS 6-4 ! Celebrations galore in the clubhouse, shirts handed out, adjournment to the Raj Moni for fiery curry, overemotional speeches, multi lingual bonding over copious quantities of Cobra. Simon Networker Lewis giving a Masterclass in franglais over a fag outside the Raj to some of La Rochelle's finest ! Unanswered questions abound - such as how did 3 Frenchies, somehow left behind at SPARKS, manage to find their way to the Raj ? And did anyone notice how VtP's eyes suddenly turned a rather fetching shade of green at the attention lavished on the adorable Jan by the smooth talking members of both SPARKS and L'Equipe La Rochelle ?

But there was more to come.....A short break for kip following the Frenchies 4 am poker session and back to SPARKS the next morning for Bob's - the affable gregarious and well organised President of La Rochelle - mini tournament. Main Comp and Plate made memorable by bambi's narrow 16-18 defeat in the third game and then his progress in the Plate over such luminaries as VtP and Round Robin before being despatched by Simon Networker Lewis in the Final - Simon being a late stand in for phil who had departed for a character building session at the Palace of Dreams.. And in the main Comp ? Surpisingly Olli, Rich, Sean, Jim ‘5 Bellies' and Dimly, amongst others falling by the wayside but more than compensated for by stirring work from DemiGodSkip JJ to reach the Final and do himself and SPARKS proud in a pulsating display against Daniel who indeed was a worthy gagneur !...

So, all that remained was the AfterParty at the Crown, pleas chat,bonhomie and beer in bucket loads, more over the top speeches and with rough manly embraces La Rochelle departed to cries of ‘Au Revoir' and ‘Au Retour en 2000 and dix !'

Back at the club for ‘Un pour la Route' we all agreed that it had been anamazing start to the weekend and, at news of Palace's 0-1 loss against tenmen- with Blackpool's keeper being sent off in the third minute and Palace failing to have a shot on goal, how we laughed.......tears rolling down our cheeks.....'Losing against ten men.....No keeper..... Couldn't even manage a shot on goal...... Unbelievable.........'.....Or rather......INCROYABLE !..... ', laughed our beloved and revered Squash Chairman as tears cascaded down nos visages !

Phil. Feb 09

and despite their crushing defeat the Frenchies also seemed to enjoy themselves - judging from the message from Monsieur Le President Bob :

Nous avons un fabuleux w-end du début à la fin ce fut fantastique (‘it was great')

Je te remercie pour ta gentillesse et ton organisation (‘you were all great')

Il faut que nous soyons à la hauteur pour la prochaine édition. ('we'll have to do better next time')

Merci encore mille fois (‘thanks lots')

May think somewhat differently when they've read the report though!

SPARKS squad was :

James Fender, Kevin Tullett, Justin Jardine, Garth Lochner, Jim Barry, Rich Hailston, Simon Lewis, Bob Powley, Ben Newark, Robin Whyte, Neil Brookes, Vince Grima, Glen Shipley, Aidan Spinks, Phil Ashton

La Rochelle squad was :

Daniel, Etienne, Renault, Kevin, Bob, Stephane, Yannick, Philippe, Ian, Olivier

Grand Merci a:

Marie- Edith - for her multilingual skills and putting up with Round Robin

Ian Wiggy Dean - organiser extraordinaire and Hon.Capitaine of L'Equipe La Rochelle

Bob- Monsieur le President of L'Equipe La Rochelle

Vin the Print- our beloved and respected SPARKS Chairman

bambi ben - enthusiastic and motivational SPARKS skip

phil the icon - for the ideas and the match report

La Rochelle and SPARKS - two great clubs!

Raj Moni

Crown, Sundridge Park 

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