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Squash First Team Match 17th March

Venturing into the changing room to an air of hushed and reverential silence alerted me to the fact that it was Tuesday and ...Yes ! ...The Demi Gods were back on home turf. Kev Ginger Nuts Tullett sat in the corner ‘ ‘Must Win' match tonight, Ginger Nuts, ‘ I remarked conversationally. ‘Not too bad, phil, think we're out of the drop zone, heading for Mid Table Mediocity and after a good win last week- even though playing this time against the leaders - feel strong......confident.......bring it on !'

And as GN droned on about if it hadn't been for a few 2-3 reverses midway in the season......... my mind wandered, as it often does when in conversation with GN....., and at the sight of GN in full black biking leathers casually unfurled to his waist absentmindedly rubbing his helmet ...... I couldn't help but think that a centrefold opportunity for a dodgy top shelf mag of dubious content and quality was somehow being missed.......

Anyway, reassuring words indeed, I thought from one of the Demi God's finest. But...all was to change......

In the clubhouse the revered DemiGod Team Skip JJ was holding forth to assorted minions hanging on his every word, ‘ ‘Must Win' match tonight.....still in the drop zone....others have a game in hand..if they get twenty points tonight... we can only hope for a few odd points...could be tight...could drop'. ‘JJ', I interrupted, sotto voce, ‘Don't let GingerNuts hear you say that..... we all know what he's like under pressure, legs buckle, tin takes a hammering........he's a pure confidence player but when he knows that the whole team is relying on him....'

But it was too late! Looking round I saw GN had heard everything and was repeating to himself, over and over again, ‘The Team.......gotta do it for the team...all relying on you, kev...can't let them down...pull yourself together...the Team...SPARKS.....'

Fearing the worse I went off to give my league oppo Brian a good trashing and caught up later with Olli The Stalker coming out of the club house, bouncing up and down like an excited puppy who had proudly just wet the lounge carpet...

‘ Olli won!...Olli won! ..Won !...Won !...Won!...3-0 ,phil, 3-0, never played better......mind you he was good ! really good.........JJ even acknowledged my presence....spoke to me, said ‘Not Bad'...Olli won! Olli w.....'....But our conversation was rudely interrupted as Olli responded to the strident cries emanating from the squash gallery of ‘Fag...where's my bl**dy glass of water...FAG' ‘Got to go, phil, it's JJ calling me.....'

Following him into the squash courts, I mounted the stairs to the gallery....Andy on the Brian Booth Court, GN on the Richard Jones Court, Andy playing well but 1-1, GN tinning like an automaton, winning rallies until the final shot against his oppo, somewhat derogatively referred to as ‘Fat Boy' by his team mates. GN 2-0 down and looking down and out.......and he was...0-3 loser, played feebly and in his own words, ‘hacked off, phil, should've won...just...hacked off'

So, not much to laugh about so far, a fine stirring performance from Olli, but with Peter losing earlier to let's be fair, a pretty good opponent, Kev berating himself in public and Andy struggling, the signs weren't that great !

And bad turned to worse, an old hamstring injury recurring for Andy, so he lost 1-3, which left JJ to salvage pride, play a Skip's innings and show the Lower Fourth what it took to be Team Skip of the Demi Gods...

The gallery was packed, Olli, the willing fag, bouncing about, still muttering to himself...'Olli won!...Olli won...Olli won...!...'...replenishing JJ's water glass, bringing fresh towels from the changing rooms , and crying out ‘Good Shot Skip' at every opportunity...surely that would be enough ? Surely ?

Skip down 0-1....then, after giving Olli a good kicking in between games.... JJ came back refreshed, rejuvenated and battled back to 1-1.... but narrowly lost the third....he was spent, exhausted and with realisation dawning that he was in fact playing an exceptionally good oppo, finely skilled in court craft, he somewhat tamely and lamely lost the fourth and the match 1-3.

The AfterParty

So, a 1-4 reverse, talk naturally turning to other topics... to how Palace would fare against Barnsley away ...news from Rich H, of the plucky 2nds reduced to four players came through....., Cyclops continuing his consistent run, losing 0-3, Networker coming back from 2 down with some sublime shots but eventually losing 2-3 in a marathon - ‘still on his phone networking maybe..but certainly not as mobile as he used to be , ‘we quipped...How we laughed...Tears rolling down our cheeks at our own witticism.....!

Andy AC Raby evidently playing good solid squash to demolish a slightly off form opponent 3-0 ,Rich losing 1-3 somewhat amateurishly, one felt, to an experienced old'un, feebly excusing himself by claiming. "These holidays Phil, just can't cope with a week on the pi$$ and on the piste. Knackered."

Ah ! Knackered,.... Hacked off.... Feeble.....words characterising many performances on this somewhat sober St Paddy's Day.

But the feeling of sobriety changed as we learned that our revered if somewhat bemused Team Manager Rafa ‘bambi' Benitez was to attempt the 4 Peaks Challenge... ... ‘Only 4 Peaks Challenge he'll stand half a chance of conquering...and even that's generous......is if one of his hot dates brought along a mate.......',we remarked....... rather crudely, I thought at the time.......

And then, I s'pose in these times of economic fragility, talk turned onto the subject of the mess that those within a stone's throw of Paternoster had built their bonuses on.... ‘ Quantitative Easing, eh..what's that all about then...?' we asked.......

Much to our surprise, GN was the first to venture an opinion.......always thought he was the playboy of the Western World but it appears that he's something big in the city...... ‘ Think of it', he explained, ‘rather like phil's match reports. You noticed how they're becoming more frequent and lengthier all the time...well that's Quantitative Easing...and', he continued, ‘that leads on to Qualitative Easing...You noticed how phil's match reports aren't up to the standard they used to be...that's Qualitative Easing !

How we laughed at GingerNuts erudite and witty explanation...tears rolling...nay Easing down our cheeks even ...as another great evening and season at SPARKS came to an end, with hopefully both teams safe and looking forward to getting in some much needed practice during the Spring break!

Phil

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