Sundridge Park Lawn Tennis & Squash Raquets Club, Tennis & Squash in Bromley Kent

Match Report

SPARKS DOUBLE HEADER TUES 23^RD JUNE 2009

Weird or what ? …..something strange was definitely occurring at The Green Oasis as I approached the club on Tues night…the accustomed sound of well heeled tennis members indulging and disporting themselves on the manicured grass courts was missing…Gone were the sounds of genteel bonk bonking to be replaced by somewhat primaeval grunting and groaning and high pitched female cries…

Then it dawned on me….Wimbledon….and all that that entailed……the annual sporting occasion when the Nation comes together as one to massively hype up the chances of the token Brit and to ask whether more than one…even possibly two..of the Brit contingent can make it through to the Second Round. To enjoy..or more likely endure…the racket made by the leading ladies …so much to suffer as eardrums take a bashing from sounds on court usually and better left in the marital chambers….when the population of Wimbledon swells to thousands….and as it had been rather wittily put…the Wimbledon population…judging by the Neanderthal groans of excessive effort…became more like Wimbledon copulation……..

So that explained it then !….Tennis members trying to emulate the Amazonian excesses of the superstars……..but enough…there was a Squash Double Header to attend and report on…The Also Rans and Prima Donnas in crunch matches and what promised to be a good day for Nan….

Cub reporters to the fore as our very own Stalker put pen to paper and reported from the shadows on the PrimaDonnas 0-5 drubbing :

‘I only saw a few of the games but will comment on those.

Bambi - Played a canny opponent after a couple of weeks of inaction and started brilliantly taking the first 10-9. He started to get pushed around the court in the second and a few too many loose shots meant he was often under pressure. But full credit he fought to the end and we're very grateful that he stepped into the breech when all those around him couldn't be arsed.

Gingernuts - Only saw the last 3 of this thriller. At 1-1 all GN was pushing his newly hirsute opponent to the limit with high pressure squash and many a tight drop. With GN in the ascendancy his opponent was crumbling in a tirade of curse words and poor shots. I thought the game was all but over as GN took the third. But memories of the last time these two played when GN lost a 3-2 marathon were at the front of my mind. And probably GN's too as I thoughtfully reminded him before the game of the result last time. Maybe I was trying to fire up his competitive spirit, spurring him on to avenge the previous defeat. Or maybe I just sowed seeds of doubt in his mind, and at 2-1 up GN started to lose faith in the game that had served him so well up to then. I'm sorry Kev, blame me. Anyhow, the 4th was a close affair, but after losing this GN had no answer in the 5th. I still think you can take him next time mate, especially if he still has that beard. Who grows a beard for the summer?

The Stalker - I lost 3-0 after what I consider to have been a reasonable display against an accomplished opponent. The first and third games were relatively close but I couldn't get started in the second. Maybe someone else should pass judgement on me as I probably shouldn't be as happy with a 3-0 loss as I was. But my opponent has taken a couple of games off GN in the not too distant past. And yet despite that I contributed no points at all for the team, a proper disgrace. Sorry, again. On the plus side I managed not to lose the team wallet stuffed full of cash, but I did lose the team pen which had been kindly donated by GN. I will replace it but I have a horrible feeling that that particular biro was of sentimental value to him.

Result - 5-0 drubbing

Kev, any comments on the other games or indeed the ones I have tried to report on?’

Nothing evidently from GN - he presumably being awash with tears after another so so so disappointing performance…and loss of said Team Pen…..

AlsoRans v Cannons 2

As reported by Golden Bars:

‘Well, without last week's MOTM - Dr Death - we were up against it.

We were also up against Cannons 2. They are towards the top of the lge and would provide a tough test for the patched up Also Rans:

1st up, Graham battled away to win the first game, but it went downhill after that; a 3-1 defeat, but no disgrace there in just his SECOND match (Ben, take note) for the Team.

GB was on court at the same time - playing a guy called... well, Guy... - tears / cheeks / holding of sides / etc !! Or Judas as we like to call him, as he used to be a Sparks member! "Playing with new strings Phil" said GB "Mate of mine has done them, but he normally does Tennis Racquets. In fact, come to think of it, he's ONLY done Tennis racquets...!!"

Unperturbed GB battled through the first 2 games, pulling clear in the 3rd to put a 'shine' on the victory. 3-0 and 1-1.

Boothy wasn't helped by a dodgy marker (namely GB) and had 287 'lets' in his match of ferocious power. Unfortunately a 3-2 reverse.

Simon (Networker and Portuguese Man o’ War)was on at the same time - didn't see his game but his shirt was saturated and again he was pipped 3-2.

The tie over, Garth ambled on court. After mincing through the first game (and losing it) he was inspired - perspired? - by the large crowd that had gathered to bait the Springbok. He won the second despite his best attempts to give it away, and lost the 3rd. A tight 4th game was decided by.... his opponent getting injured and having to retire hurt!! Must have been stretching for one of Garth's canny back-of-the-court-so-I-don't-have-to-do-any-running drop shots.

A 3-2 defeat in matches for Also Rans, but incredibly both teams finished on 11 pts. Bizarre’.

AFTER PARTY

Two Big Losses and with SPARKS’ ambitions for the season floundering somewhat and shaking my head despairingly at the restringing strategy of Golden Bars , thinking it sounded another really sensible move befitting of The One they call (for short) ‘The Overseer of the City’s Financial Markets and Partly Responsible for the Mess We’re In…….’

I took up my position in true Wimbledon style on the club’s rather splendid manicured lawns..for the post match Sue Barker style in depth interviews….

First up Garth, ‘Garth, or can I call you Girth? Far from being Iron Man , more like Marshmallow Man of the Veldt…carrying a bit of weight around ? eating for two? , ‘I politely enquired. ‘Won though, Phil, won through the pain barrier..lulled him into a false sense of security….bulk belying speed…lot to be said for putting on more weight even…catch them unawares…’ ‘Yep’, I replied, ‘maybe we should consider renaming this Marshmallow Mound in your honour…’

Then there was Bambi… ‘So, they won’t be calling this Bambi Burrow then after that display….’, I joked rather feebly, ‘cameo appearance by our team manager…stepped in at the last moment…attention seeking as ever, tried to step out but torn off a strip by GN…..’ ‘Yep, not nice experience, Phil….nor the squash…one up but oppo sussed me out and ran out comfortable winner 3-1..bad back…manic work…demanding hot chicks …team squad players going awol….all taking their toll…so, so, so dis…’

but espying GN, I turned away and started saying ‘ So GN…it won’t be called Ginger Grove either….2-1 up and another dismal performance…Why? GN..Why? Why you’re like the Inflatable Boy…you let your parents down…your side down..and now (I produced an imaginary sharp object and proceeded to push this into GN’s arm) WHOOSH ! you’ve let yourself down…and your stand in team skip Ollie The Stalker , Why?…’ But GN , in tears , crying ‘Stop the interview, stop it…..no more…’ was escorted by his AlsoRan minders to the changing rooms….to take solace in his motorbike leathers….

With the Also Rans minding GN, no more interviews, no more alliterative names for the manicured lawns…no more laughs…..no more tears rolling down our cheeks…Until of course next Tues when at least The AlsoRans won’t be losing…cos……….They’re Not Playing !

Ollie The Stalker & Golden Bars topped and tailed by phil

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