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Vin makes faux pas of Gordon Brown proportions….and then fails to appear ….SPARKS Second Team in Priory Squash Cup Final Tuesday 27^th April 2010

‘Sparks Second Team, phil, …and I demand straight answers….why do you insist on calling them ..and don’t try to put me down with your usual caustic comment…..but going to ask you now……why do you call them in your ‘so called’ match reports…..somewhat derogatively …if not rather demeaningly……The AlsoRans ?’, enquired our beloved and revered chairman somewhat belligerently as he confronted me somewhat aggressively and in a somewhat hostile manner, on my Hamlet break last Sunday afternoon ( prior to my appearance in the fiercely contested 2010 Squash Doubles Final – now referred to fondly by those fortunate enough to have seen it as ‘The Cameron Final - A Classic of Style over Substance’…..)

Well…what’s brought that on I wondered? …..And then I saw that Vin was ‘miked up’ – ‘Yes’, he replied in answer to my unasked question…‘latest technology, our conversation goes straight onto the club website and newsletter as ‘Vin’s Views’ – not a word can be changed…only finishes when I say loudly to Boris- my Polish decorator, gardener,chauffeur, and all round personal assistant, the word ‘B.i.g.o.t’. (Boris Gorski- Off - Transmission ) - his English is not too hot, phil..working on it still…’

Well, intrigued by this new plain speaking somewhat confrontational style of our beloved and revered squash chairman, I explained…..speaking slowly and maintaining eye contact - as I understood was taught at an illustrious albeit probably morally corrupt firm of investment bankers, within a Senate Committee Hearing’s distance of Paternoster Square, on their 3 day intensive ‘Maintaining Eye Contact, Arrogance and Smugness’ training course:

‘Also Rans then Vin, the term comes from racing, where it describes a horse that finishes in fourth place or lower or does not finish a race at all. It first appeared in the 1890s in published racing results, and has since been transferred to losers in any kind of competition, and also more broadly to persons who simply don't do well’.

‘But phil’, said a rather perplexed Vin, ‘why use it to describe the Seconds ? A fine collection of chaps if ever there was one, cheerful, committed sociable solid drinkers

, don’t win much to be honest…always seem to be rather back in the pack….outside the top four usually…

‘Unplaced even ?’, I enquired gently, ‘not qualifying for purse money ?

‘Well’, said Vin, as realisation dawned, ‘anyway, it’s not right and the use of the L word is now forbidden, politically incorrect….they’re not Losers…ones soon to be forgotten…out of the money finishers….and just to prove I’m right they’ve managed to make it to the Priory Cup Final on Tues night…a fine achievement and something we should all be proud of…’

‘I am, vin’, I reassured our beloved and revered squash chairman, ‘we are…..we all are exceedingly proud of their achievements…’

And with that he was whisked away and could be just made out through the darkly tinted windows of his Vincente class Mercedes limousine, talking to Boris….

‘Yep…., ‘he said, ‘that should look ok in the newsletter…gives out the right impression…Squash Chairman leaping to the defence of the team…..giving phil some stick….mind though….. AlsoRans…..good name really…..phil calls the First Team the PrimaDonnas….or PrimaDonkeys…..maybe the Seconds should be called just…. The Donkeys…or the Five Asses….!’

Oh how Vin laughed…tears rolling down his cheeks…..until he was interrupted by Boris… ‘Meester G.- the mike….the mike……’ ‘Bigot…bigot….’, cried out Vin…but it was too late…all had been transmitted and recorded…

The Final v Blackheath @ Park Langley

Against a formidable Blackheath side, SPARKS finest needed to be at their best, the supporters had turned out in force…but would…? could…? the boys do the business on court.

We (Justin, Ollie,WatershedDave , Boothy, bambiben, phil..and shockingly conspicuous by his absence, Vin) all settled down to look on, in awe and at times pure disbelief at the performances of our 5 squash heroes.

Andrew ‘A.C. ‘Raby and Rich ‘The Overseer’ Hailston took to the show courts..a ripple of applause……cries of ‘C’mon SPARKS..trash ‘em !’ from the more erudite amongst us and it was …GAME ON !

The Overseer- the hero of SPARKS fine semi final win- looked cool…rather too cool as his oppo drew level for one all, meanwhile A.C. was giving all on Court One- nip and tuck, if not tip and nuck, we thought as the game see-sawed this way and that. Total commitment from A.C.

Rich now forging ahead, having gained the measure of his opponent, a few deft boasts, drops and wrongfooting assured flicks and it was all over.

1. to SPARKS and A.C. to make it 2-0 ? But 1-1 was his highlight and although no doubt that he played well, tonight was not to be and a close encounter of the highest order ended with a victory to Blackheath and the match drawn at 1-1.

We looked around for our beloved and revered squash chairman but of him there was neither sight nor sound….

Girth The Iron Man of the Veldt lumbered on in lumberjack shorts to Court Two , always a fine player and a sight for sore eyes, but with possible question marks over his attitude…so so self critical as most perfectionists are…..And can be put off by oppos hogging the T…..and he was…and first blood to Blackheath. Meanwhile perma tanned Simon ‘Networker’ Lewis on Court One…a fine track record of success and always immaculately attired as if having stepped straight out of Lillywhites shop

window- the shock of seeing freshly ironed kit was always worth a one game advantage , we’d often said, and so it proved- 1-0.

Back to Girth who taking advantage of his oppos temporary inability to hit the ball anywhere other than at himself was enjoying a revival to 1-2…then as the level of skill finally shone through after phil had a motivational ‘word in the shell like’ levelled at 2-2.

Court 1 was proving to be the scene of another close encounter, Simon stylish, assured and playing well..but only well enough to be level at 2-2.

We looked around for our beloved and revered squash chairman but of him there was neither sight nor sound….

Crunch time…both digging deep….Networker digging deep into resources of strength and energy…Girth digging himself deeper and deeper into a hole mainly of his own making…If there was a time when additional motivation was needed it was now !

We looked around for our beloved and revered squash chairman but of him there was neither sight nor sound….

And so we succumbed…Simon to a stronger player on the day…Girth to a weaker but on the day a better player….

1-3 and Pas, the main man with the dodgy hairdo on for the dead rubber as the crowd drifted away….Well, what can you say? Difficult to get into it and with a strong oppo the result was never in doubt really and the match was lost 1-4.

AFTER PARTY

Good team bonding with Blackheath- nice bunch who deserved their moment of glory though admitting that it was a close run thing and on another day…with the squash chairman present…who knows…?

And so a great evening of honest endeavour and passionate play came to an end and , as we noshed the nosh, supped our somewhat overpriced liquid refreshment in the modern yet clinical and somewhat sterile club bar, we realised how fortunate we were to be members of the Green Oasis, our intimate if somewhat down at heel little club in its tranquil parkland setting.

Leaning back on the airport lounge style furniture we raised our glasses to our retiring team manager in memory of a truly memorable season, and for the first time at Park Langley and definitely the last time ever,The SPARKS refrain resounding from the non existent rafters, could be heard late into the night of : ‘ One bambi benitez…….There’s only one bambibenitez…One bambi benitez…there’s only one bambienitez….!’

Phil

30^th April 2010

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