SPARKS Superb Squash Tour to La Rochelle – April 2007
Ne Panic Pas !
I s’pose that La Rochelle Evening Gazette got it about right, in a small article half hidden between the adverts for bijou two bed holiday cottages in Ile de Re- a snip at a mere 400,000Euros:
‘Ne Panic Pas !!L’equipe tres tres fort et formidable du Squash club- Parc de Sundridge , sous leur capitaine Monsieur Ian ‘Wiggy’ Dean a bien trashe l’equipe de La Rochelle 6-2 et a aussi gagne le Tournoi – le finale entre les deux anglais – Andrew A.C. (‘Chasseur d’Ambulances’) Raby et Dave ‘TTT’ Port,’ and then …..lapsing rather curiously into Latin …..presumably as the French like to believe they are a somewhat cultural lot , the article ended –‘ Veni, Vidi, Vici !’
‘Ere, Phil’ said Vin, upon reading this, ‘Look I’ve got a mention…..told you I played well…(not wishing to shatter the illusions of the club’s greatest proofreader I kept silent…we were on tour after all )
And the story behind the headlines?
Squash
The challenge was not so much in playing against a fine side captained by Bob, owner of La Rochelle Squash club- who with his team made us really feel at home ( yep, you guessed it- it was just like being at home – the showers were cold…..) but more one of marking the matches….. in French !
A challenge to which all rose – some more deviously than others – and the scores were announced in, to French ears presumably quite horrific ‘Allo, Allo’ accents ! Anyway it didn’t matter too much really as most players couldn’t hear the marker on court as the noise level rose and cries of ‘Allez
However there’s always one who tries to be a bit devious- in this case the Directeur Generale of
And we gradually became more confident in the language - scoring in le squash tournoi- ‘cinq-sept’, at which point Si turns round and says –‘look you pillock, there’s only me and Andy on court …and you’re…you’re…. scoring in French……unbelievable , truly unbelievable….’( Just ‘cos you were losing ,Si)
Dave in fact won his tour nickname TTT playing against
From the Sublime…..
Memories of….
Dining on sea bass or John Dory at Chez Andre in
Vin’s early morning deliveries of fresh roses for Isabelle and coffee and croissants for the boys
Jumping into the icy swimming pool in unison…swimming out in the icy sea….
Café Crème moments with TTT
Trying to engage VTP in pillow talk when he’s asleep at 4 a.m
…….to the Ridiculous
Realising how much Si talks – on and off his Nokiaraspberrydealmakerplatinumlimitededitionmark11 – as AC put it- ‘quite relaxing really, Phil, you can laze around the pool, just listening to Si blathering on with only the occasional prompt, kind of wafts over you, sort of a background noise ‘– ‘bit like lift music ? , ‘ I interjected , ‘maybe have to change his name to Otis, now Conrad’s gone…’ How we laughed as Si continued, oblivious to the causes of merriment…..
Explaining French to Pompier Bob – ‘What’s that, then Phil,?’ he asks, pointing to a
sign saying ‘Sortie Pompier’, ‘Way Out Fireman’, I reply…’That’s so cool, really, really descriptive ’ he says, ‘really really respectful….’
Wiggy and AC meeting others in the nightclub, paying ten euros each to enter..and then Wiggy looking at the text he’s received five minutes ago –‘don’t’ come in…it’s cr*p…too loud, smoky…...we’re coming out in ten’…..
AC and Si, seated outside a bar overlooking the port at La Rochelle and talking about the various merits of…….you won’t believe it… provincial and London Solicitors firms…unbelievable ! totally incroyable !…on a par with VtP, Dave and Mick (where’s me money for the tourshirts ?) talking about the latest developments in printing, on the
The wheels literally coming off Sortie Pompier’s suitcase on the carousel at Stansted- what with falling off his bike and suffering squash injury, physically a very demanding tour for our Fireman and Part time Decorator
And then there was….
Golf
Wiggy’s training regime for the team included two days of golf in the sun…for some , on Ile de Re and
Whilst Si and Vin thought it was hugely humorous to tell the receptionist that they were Sacha Distel and Maurice Chevalier, the others – on the First Day- exhibited a strong desire to leave as many balls around the course for the French urchins to collect laterI, Vin surpassing himself by his achievement in occasionally driving the ball from the tee further than the Ladies tee and consistently disappearing headhigh into the sand.
In a fiercely competitive and tightly contested second day golf match A.C was able to take up to seven…yes seven !!…shots on the 18th to win against Si…and takes ?? surely seven was enough of a margin..but no, eight shots were taken….. !!
Simon le gagneur but AC being able to take comfort from Si’s comments afterwards :’ I was really impressed with the way Andrew played, I really think with a bit more practice he’s got the making of a fine player…’ ‘Well thanks, Si, that’s really nice of you,’ says A.C. Bit patronizing Si, I thought but obviously in a minority of one in my thinking, kept my thoughts to myself- we were on tour after all…..
Cycling
Cycling on Ile De Re was idyllic- watching hawks hover for what seemed an age and then dive headlong for prey, discovering oh si jolie villages with restaurants and bars nestling round old fishing ports, devouring home made icecream , with Dave keeping me company (the others seemingly intent on ‘burning rubber’) on our cycle rides through vineyards, by oysterbeds and passing through saltflats.
And indeed not without it’s highlights,including watching Dave nearly fall off his bike when squeezing past a magnificent female specimen on the cycle path to Loix
Wiggy & The Wiggettes
We were made exceptionally welcome by Wiggy, Isabelle, Alexandre and Emilie and enjoyed watching Wiggy’s discomfort grow by the minute as the really cute and tres tres jolie Emilie and super cool Alexandre, both resplendent in their tour shirts, picked up on the nicknames and started calling him ‘Wiggy’(Reckon as soon as we’re on the flight, that’ll be the first thing to go, we thought).
Memories return of Alexandre throwing caution to the winds and bringing him a piece of seaweed from the beach , claiming it was one of his proprietal wigs that’d come off – ‘Pas assez de superglue cet fois, Wiggy….’
and Wiggy being even further discomforted by the ‘Si, si galant ‘VtP(PCC&Directeur General ) bringing bouquets of roses from the market every morning to lay at Isabelle’s feet- ‘ No , sure, lovely gesture…don’t get me wrong, Phil’, said Wiggy,’but…..I haven’t bought her any flowers in my life and sort of shows me up a bit….the place being awash with bouquets, even thinking of opening up a florists….’ Memories of lazing by the pool , listening to Alexandre telling us about a few of the friends he’d made at school …’ Valentin, Yann, Clement, Jules….,’ just keeping the conversation going I remarked, ‘they French then, your friends, Alexandre ? ‘ ..which well meaning comment AC found absolutely hilarious and continued creasing up at intervals throughout the tour as he reminded himself of the incident…
And then there was Alexandre’s seemingly unprompted remark that –‘ Bob reminds me of the new James Bond – Daniel Craig’ – which, for some reason, Sortie Pompier seemed mightily pleased with……..
But one of the abiding memories has to be sampling Ile de Re oysters in the 80 degree heat on the patio by Wiggy’s swimming pool, washed down with a couple of nicely chilled bottles of Bordeaux whites and the occasional Kronenbourg 1664
La Boule
Playing boule with the kids was a …the ? ..tour highlight – Bromley v Ste Marie, four a side- the jack (jacques , presumably) remaining in splendid isolation until the Wiggettes threw, then, as tension mounted- Would he? Could he ? knock le bleu out of the way……or more likely send it scudding into the ipod (which at least wasn’t playing Fender’s music)……best of five ends – two all…the tension was unbearable.
Bromley captained by the tres jolie Emilie to go first….jaune- nestling by the jacques…greeted by High Cinqs and cries of Allez Bromley !! Allez!! Allez !…one bent round the corner from Si, close from Wiggy, on the button from Sortie Pompier, all to play for…up in the air…land…seen it done mille fois before …easy…’Lancez, M’sieur, lancez,!‘was the cry….. deep breaths …Up …Up….seemingly suspended for an eternity..and then down…landed…scudded close……so very close…..then over…..and continued rolling into the bleedin’ kitchen…Victory to Ste Marie……tears…handshakes and 1664s all round- Absolutely Brilliant !
L’Autobus de Tour
Driven everywhere by Wig, WIg, WIg, WIG, WIGGY !
AC and I were intent on doing our best to drown out Wiggy’s one and only cd in l’autobus du tour of James Fender- no offence ,James but after you’ve heard it a dozen times……- ‘Got anything else Wiggy? ‘ we asked, ‘No mate’ ,he replied so we gave him both barrels in a rousing rendition of the well known franglais version of ‘The Wheels on the Bus’, closely followed by
I-Spy – ‘In Franglais? ‘ I asked AC, ‘ Mais Oui ‘, was the reply…’and Catherine’s rules’, ‘Which are? ‘,I asked, confused momentarily wondering what influence was going to be exerted by AC’s five year old on the proceedings- knowing that she’d never really taken to me since I’d been papa’s finals opponent in SPARKS Handicap Tournoi in ’06. ‘ French or English, in or outside l’autobus, and can change your mind at anytime…’ ‘Fair enough, seems quite logical….for a provincial solicitor’s daughter
Ne Panic pas !
So, how did us boys cope with language ?Well, Franglais-or in Simon’s case a rather curious blend of French, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, and English, accompanied by Bickley charm, lorra lorra smiles, nice suntan , blinding white teeth and constant self reminders to ‘ Ne Panic Pas !’ managed to charm the locals.
‘ Phil, ‘as Si said on day three, ‘ think I’m really getting the hang of this language lark now, takes me back to the time I spent in France ten years ago, highlight for me of the tour really, getting quite fluent…’(exactly at what though I wasn’t quite sure but not wishing to delude Si – we were on tour after all- complimented him and left him proudly regaling all and sundry about his new found prowess in the language…)
Those Nichon moments
Tour maxim number one is at all times to be aware of where you are and who’s listening…. at all times…..(careful – nearly turning into Dennis Norden speak …)
Nichon moment One….sitting outside a boulangerie/café in a village square on well deserved cycling break, Wiggy recounting the tale of how, when courting the charming, attractive , and immensely hospitable Mme Wiggy, he asked her French brother how to express his feelings in French on a postcard – Tell her ‘Tu as tres jolie nichons’ which means well…. (either ask Wiggy what it means- which he didn’t know when , rather naively I thought, he wrote the message - use your imagination or use a dictionary ) - we thought it was hilarious, rolled about laughing ……as did all the French family groups seated around us ……
Nichon moment Two …at Stansted airport on the return, by the luggage carousel, I was telling Pompier Bob, I s’pose rather loudly, about BambiBenm8, who,( having earlier been on what seemed like a single handed mission to empty the fridge of Kronenbourgs before we left ), spent the entire flight chatting up a schoolgirl of somewhat indeterminate age……When the plane came to a halt the row in front stood up in unison and three formidable female dragons turned with an icy glare at the one who’d been trying to lead one of their charges astray…
Sortie Pompier Bob’s face was distorted somewhat, but not …seemingly…in amusement and at last catching on and following the direction of his head jerking and winking movement I looked …slowly..sideways….to my left and saw one of the Alistair Sim St Trinians lookalikes waiting for her luggage and fixing her ferocious glare on me….
Truly Awesome Tour
Well I can’t recall when a French letter has given me so much pleasure - writing it brings back countless memories - ‘Awesome tour’- as Bambiben repeated excitedly jumping up and down during the tour –‘Awesome, truly awesome !’
And it was…thanks ever so much Wiggy and the Wiggettes – you’re truly stars !
On a sombre note, Round Robin was greatly missed due to a family bereavement, but was often in our thoughts….
And next year ? Si has generously offered his palatial villa in
Can’t wait !
Previous page: Squash Events
Next page: Links
